I miss you Bhaiya

Time flies away and you don’t even realize. And then one day when we sit and think about an incident that completely shattered us at one point of time, we again hear that clink and clank of broken heart. Its been six years now; to be precise, six years two months and fourteen days. I have just received a mail from a colleague about yet another very talented Fighter Pilot of Indian Air force being buried in the flying coffin. And I lived all those moments of pain once again. Chills ran through me when I read a brother writing how the news of his brave, patriot brother’s killing (pun intended) was broken to him and how his cynicism to move on with life evolved.

Life does go on. It doesn’t stop when someone so close as a BigB dies. I would not bother to use subtle, soft words for death. We just miss them in every phase of our life. Since the day my dear brother has left us for a place which suits him more than lesser mortals like us, I miss him a lot in all my achievements, all my failures, all my happy moments and all my sad ones too. Infact I imagine how proud he must have been of his baby sister. I miss his reactions to everything that I do.

I remember I had cried uncontrollably when after he was gone for ten days, and I realized that I wanted to gift him a CD of NFS2. He was very fond of car-racing games and I had got hold of this CD from a friend. But I could never give it to him as he left us before my semester ended.

I missed him when Babu was born. I wanted him to play with Babu, start of our next generation. He would have brought toy aeroplanes for him, toy cars for him and beautiful story books as well. I miss to see him in a role of Tauji.

I remember when I graduated and told my family that I have my degree in my hand, I wanted to make a call to Barmer as well. But I knew I won’t hear a familiar voice on that number ever in my life.

When I got through Satyam’s interview process, I fooled my whole family by saying that I failed. I wanted to do the same with Bade Bhaiya.

When mom was undergoing operation in Dec 2003, I wanted him to be beside papa for support because Raju Bhaiya had a job which restricted him to be in India at any time and Bade Bhaiya always substituted him.

When I had to take important decisions in life, I wanted encouraging words; I missed his encouraging words a lot.

When new mobiles were launched I missed his craze to buy these mobiles. When laptop prices went down, I missed gifting him with one. When IPOD came to India, I missed talking to him what IPODS were. When PS1 – PS3 were launched, when XBOX was launched, I felt like buying it and gifting it to Bhaiya. He would have been so thrilled observing the technology advancement.

I missed him when Binda was born. He would have played with her endlessly. He would have brought gifts/ Barbie dolls for her. He would have made clothes for her Barbie doll in a similar way he made embroidered clothes for my Barbie dolls.

I miss him when I buy gifts for everyone in my family. I miss him when I call Raju Bhaiya. I would have made a second call to Manish Bhaiya as well.

When I left Satyam and joined SAP, I missed calling him up and telling the hike that I got. I heard Raju bhaiya's reaction but I wanted to hear the thrill in Manish bhaiya's voice too.

I missed him when we went for Assam trip; it was always Manish bhaiya who accompanied us to such trips. And this was the first time when Manish Bhaiya was not with us.

I miss him when my marriage is being discussed at home. He would have been so happy. He would have spoken to Sudhanshu and would have been so excited.

I can recall the way he greeted me when he called up… “Hi Gudia” with freshness in voice and lots of excitement behind it.

I remember the way we fought over small things like chocolates, pens, mangoes. I miss every bit of him and will miss him for my entire life.

I just wish that he had not taken a decision to save the plane. I wish he had ejected out of the plane, not worrying about the cost behind a bloody Mig-21 air-craft. I respect his last decision but what do I do. I just miss him a lot.

I have no answers when Babu asks about his Tauji. Babu wouldn’t have asked us again and again, where did his “Tauji” go!!! And Babu would not have scolded Papa for allowing Bhaiya to join Air-Force. Babu would not have scolded mummy for being so strong. Babu would not have blamed them for not loving their eldest son enough to send him to Indian Air-force.

And how will we answer when Binda grows up too and asks about the whereabouts of her “Tauji”.

But yes, until the 31 years of his life came to an abrupt end, he enjoyed every moment. He enjoyed the best luxuries of his times and he did all that he ever wanted. Just that I wish that he would have enjoyed more… much more ….

One last poem which I found in his folder in our computer, long after he had left us …. I guess this is what inspired him to “LIVE LIFE KING SIZE”.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask "How are you?"

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.